Pluto TV: A Streaming Service Designed By The Dead For The Dying

“We couldn’t afford for our son to go to college because of all the streaming fees. Now… Timmy’s gonna be a lawyer.”

Why not engineer or doctor, you ask?

Because “Timmy” is going to elevate his position among the ranks of legislation and single-handedly dismantle the institution of high costs in higher education.

Thanks, Hasselhoff.

I, and the millions of Millennial, childhood Spongebob fans, salute you.

Now, why don’t you be the nice, washed-up lifeguard you are, do us kids a favour, and put a good word in for us to your Gen Z son to kick a permanent dent in the expense that shares the same four letters, but replacing ‘n’ with ‘b’.

For my Korean underground hip-hop fans, that could be doubly switched to the beginning as ‘B-Free’.

For oldheads, by oldheads, Pluto TV might be just the streaming service retirement homes need for their senescent roommates.

Of course, this first relies on the faith and conviction of our elderly companions being able to navigate the app without assistance.

They don’t need to be privy to the etymology of interface.

Memory detention and confabulation is instead compensated by the fact of user experience being understood by the typed complaints, riddled with errors, to customer service.

Unfortunately, none of the orderlies informed them at any point of their 2-hour struggle, during which carpal tunnel is stiffing out a total of two stern, parental sentences.

Instead of snickering like bullies getting their rocks off at the wheelchair kid, they should have told them they were dancing their wrinkled baby carrots tirelessly, if not brain-dead, with the remote.

Their search for answers leaving them further helpless by the taunting reflection of a tiny magnifying glass beheading a digital keyboard.

Automatic results for TV series and film adding insult to pre-existing injury with the random input of letters.

Altogether, mistaken as a chat portal.

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